ANTISOCIAL

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"Laura, you're so rude! Say thank you!" 

Basically what I heard every day as a child. As a young girl, I was very quiet. I didn't talk to people unless my friends and I were playing house. Most of the time I was coloring and drawing. I didn't speak much, and I was terrified of adults. I could barely even speak to my own grandmother because I was just so shy. My mom would scold me daily for not responding to people when they complimented my hair or just said hello. My mom probably thought something was wrong with me.

This shyness wore off in high school during my time as a cheerleader. I had to yell at crowds, be social with the other girls, and learn how to communicate effectively. Although I was still quiet, I didn't have anxiety about interacting with other humans.

Fast forward to adulthood: In college I was severely depressed. After my first year, I gave up on meeting people, forming friendships. I was close to dropping out because that issue of "I'll never be successful" kicked in. Ask my friend Hanna, I seemed like the biggest bitch on the planet. This is when I formed my "fuck the world" mindset.

We all hear that happiness is a journey, not a destination. I found this to be true with experience. I battled depression throughout college. After months of therapy, I finally realized that my happiness depended on my mindset. I woke up one day and told myself that I wasn't going to feel this anymore. I wasn't going to hate myself anymore. I was going to accomplish my dreams and live a life I loved. No, this didn't happen overnight, but it happened pretty quickly. In a matter of months, I went from suicidal to living life to the fullest. I made my last year of college my best year by enjoying new friends, going to more events, and just loving myself.

After graduation, I felt that my antisocial tendencies had diminished. And they did! I was putting myself out there. I was now in Texas and trying to make the most of it. But that faded quickly...

Every time I made plans with someone, they literally stood me up or never texted me back. It was always, "I'll let you know." But they didn't. They just disappeared. And if I did hear from them? It's because they needed something. So my motto became No New Friends.

Thankfully, one of my college friends moved here after me. So the amount of friends I have in Waco has reached one. LOL. And I'm totally okay with that. I'd rather have one good friend around me than a ton of false friendships. She has to warn people about my personality before they meet me and I find that hilarious—but probably necessary.

Honestly, I think my current job has made me even more antisocial. I'm a designer. I sit at a computer all day and don't interact with humans. I've developed anxiety over handshakes; like, don't touch me. I don't talk to people unless I deem it completely necessary. I think this is just because I've alway been an introvert and now that I'm comfortable in who I am and get why I do things, I'm most comfortable not being social. I don't make eye contact with people. I don't talk to people in the grocery store. OH MA GAH, and the gym. DO NOT TALK TO ME IN THE GYM. EDIT: I have a breathing issue. So talk to me in the gym and you'll get the most awkward interaction of your life. I can barely breathe, so please don't take the little oxygen I can inhale away from my workout. When I'm out and about, I have tunnel vision for my mission. So most likely, I don't see you. I've grown comfortable with people thinking I'm a bitch. Because people can think all they want. Only few get the privilege of truly knowing me. I'm very private in my personal life. I've had friends think I was an only child for years. So if you know me, you really know me. 

I'm cool with being antisocial. If you also have social anxiety, know that it is completely okay to not be a bubbly, happy person to others. Be yourself. Be happy in you. Don't spend your life trying to please others. Keep your circle exclusive. I share so much self love on my profile because I've known the struggle. I've hated myself for years because I thought I had to be a certain way. I'm a grown ass woman now, and I know that I don't have to be anyone but myself.

Be unapologetically YOU.